The Not-So-Secret Diary of an OverEater

My Battle to Have a Healthy Relationship with Food


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Feeling better already…

I’ve lost 5lbs since I last posted!  I am really pleased with that as it’s been hard but I do feel a bit better already.  My jeans aren’t quite so tight (squeezing my flabby self into those skinny jeans wasn’t easy!) and I don’t have quite so much around my middle to rest my elbows on when I’m sitting down.

Exercise has been a bit of a challenge but this week I went to Run Club on Tuesday (my eldest daughter came with us too which was great) and yes I was slow and the last finisher in all the runs but I was there!  On Thursday, I was due to go to circuits class but I had to wait for a phone call first which didn’t come so I missed the class.  I was already in my kit with my trainers on and everything so I dragged myself out of the door for a run with Amber instead.

To start off with it was hard going and I thought I’ll just do once or twice round the lake but then ended up doing 4.81 miles!  This included running – all the way – up Chevron Hill (my nemesis on ParkRun) and even trying a sprint towards the end.  My average speed was 12 minutes 23 seconds per mile which is slow but is a minute faster than my speed when I went out for a run with Ian a couple of weeks ago so that’s progress too.
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(If I’m totally honest though, it could be a faster pace because I didn’t take a ball for Amber so didn’t have to spend time searching for it every few hundred yards!)

I’m also pleased that I didn’t lose the eating plot when I didn’t get a job I interviewed for last week.  I really thought it had gone well and had high hopes and was very upset when I didn’t hear one way or the other for ages. I assumed the worst and as expected I got the “sorry but” email on Monday.  I rang one of the interviewers for feedback on Tuesday and this was actually very positive as she said it was between me and the person who got it and it was very close.  Apparently I had surprised them at how well I had interviewed and had there been two jobs, one of them would have been mine.  She asked if I would be interested in casual hours and I said yes in the hope that this would be a foot in the door.  And I’m secretly hoping the person who got it finds that it’s not right for them after all!

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Lazy Liz, your days are numbered!

As you have no doubt guessed from the lack of posts lately, I’ve well and truly fallen off the wagon since Christmas.  I’ve really struggled to get back on track as far as eating and exercising is concerned.  So I decided to give myself a deadline (yesterday) up until which I could eat what I felt like and then after that (today) I have to start again, back on the 5:2 diet and exercising as well.

My reasons behind making the deadline yesterday rather than another day were to get Easter out of the way and make sure I’d eaten up all the chocolate in the house (easy) and it’s my Dad’s birthday today so my idea was for us all to go out for a meal yesterday at After’s, a restaurant which serves only desserts; mainly ice cream sundaes and waffles but also crepes and gateaux.  And it was delicious!  We all had two desserts each (we’d skipped lunch) – I had a cinnamon waffle with strawberries, milk chocolate sauce and two scoops of toffee chunk ice cream and after that I had a classic lemon and sugar crepe.

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And then yesterday evening we had a Chinese takeaway to celebrate the end of the school holidays which was very tasty.

This morning I have weighed and measured myself.  It’s not a good story to tell.  I’ve gone back up to 11st 5lbs and put on inches everywhere.  I only have myself to blame – well myself and the people who make food so very tasty!

I am feeling it in all my clothes.  When I first got my uniform work trousers which are a roomy size 14 with elasticated waist, I thought I could probably have got away with a 12.  Now they are very snug.  When I sit or hold my arms close to my body, I can feel my tummy and waist bulges.

I feel sluggish and lethargic.  I am not sleeping very well.  I feel low.

So today is the start (again) towards Lively Liz coming back and Lazy Liz being consigned (permanently I hope) to history.

My plan is: Mondays and Wednesdays are fast days.  Tuesdays are for 7am spin and 6pm Run Club.  Thursdays are for 9:30am circuits class.  I’d like to fit in some other classes and maybe a run or two as well if I can.

When I’ve finished this, I’m going to sort through the kitchen cupboards and get all the temptations packed away.  Perhaps I should have done it a few days ago so they could have been eaten too and not wasted!

Both my daughters say they are going to join me on the wagon for a while, and although my lovely hubby is already very fit and doesn’t need to lose any weight he would like to eat more healthily so hopefully the whole family will benefit!


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An attempt to explain

A good friend said to me recently that when she read my last blog it made her want to cry.

I assumed she meant because I’d written that my dad had given me a rare compliment and I was pleased that I was making him proud, especially as he doesn’t share his feelings very often.  (That makes me cry – happy cry – when I think about it.)

But actually she was feeling sad because she had read it that my parents were not accepting me as I am – overweight or not – and putting pressure on me to lose weight.  So I thought I should explain a bit more in case others were thinking the same thing.

I am so blessed to have amazing parents who support me and encourage me and absolutely accept me for being me – whatever my weight and despite all the anxieties I must have put them through over the years.

My parents worry about me (comes with the parenting territory).  They could see that I was putting on weight and that I wasn’t happy about it.  They just want me to be happy.  Although they would probably still have concerns about my health if I was 30 stone, they wouldn’t love me any less and knowing I was happy would be the most important thing to them.

When I am overweight and I look in the mirror I don’t like what I see.  I realise few people are 100% happy with what they see but to me when I see myself overweight I see failure.  I have failed to control my eating; food has controlled me instead.  I have been weak and allowed myself to overeat – again.  I’m not aiming for the “perfect” body; just to be in control.  I realise there’s a thin line: maybe I’ll achieve the weight loss but won’t be happy with my flabby arms or my saggy boobs (gravity gets to us all eventually!).  Perhaps I’ll always be unhappy with something.  Perhaps I think losing weight will make me happy but it won’t.  Perhaps…. perhaps….

A part of me (a little part, but it has a very loud voice!) says well if that’s the case, why bother at all?  Why put myself through the deprivation twice a week?  Why even have a set of scales in the house?  And a slightly bigger part of me worries whether my efforts to lose weight and become healthier will have a negative impact on my youngest daughter who struggles with similar issues to myself.  Am I just putting all my hang-ups onto her?  I’d like to think I’m setting a good example – but will it have the reverse effect?

Being totally honest here – it would be much easier to give up.  I want to.  It would be much easier to eat without care or concern.  If I could only get rid of the guilt and the nagging voice (also very loud) that I’ve failed.  Yet again.  Failed at what?  Failed at being the person I want to be on the outside.  I’d like to think I’m already the person I want to be on the inside – honest, kind, reliable, faithful, hospitable, loving, and patient (well I probably need a bit more work on that last one!) – and who cares about what a person looks like?

The sad truth is that in this world, lots of people care what people look like.  Very overweight people can suffer terribly from bullying, rude/thoughtless comments and strange looks.  They are sometimes overlooked for jobs or dismissed as inadequate/unacceptable in other ways.

I’m not obese.  Right now, in fact, I’m “normal” weight.  Slightly to the high side of normal, but normal none-the-less.  Woohoo!  I should celebrate that success!  This week I got back down to my pre-Christmas weight.  Yay!  So no one (should) look at me and judge me.  It’s just me doing the judging.  I haven’t exercised in ages so although my weight is down (yay again!) I’m feeling flabbier around my middle and thinking it’s mostly muscle mass I’m losing rather than fat.  So when I do start exercising again the weight will go up instead of down and that could potentially cause another downwards spiral for me.

How to stop it?  How to stop the self-judging?  How to let it go?  Answers on a postcard please… (or blog comment!)


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Last Post Before Christmas (probably)

I thought I’d better get a quick post in before the Christmas break.

Life has been manic as I’ve just started a second part-time job which is good fun but eats into my free time.  The worst shift is on a Saturday morning when I have to get up at 5:15 in order to get to work for 6:45am.  It’s a 15-20 minute drive, depending on traffic.

I’m on checkouts in a supermarket and I’m enjoying it so far.  It never stops, just when you think there’s a lull, someone else starts unloading their shopping onto your conveyor belt.  I am loving the customer interaction though, talking about their Christmas plans.  One customer said she was going to have a quiet Christmas this year, with only 17 to cater for.  Apparently she usually has 45 people to feed!

So I can’t remember when I last shared my “stats” with you so here goes:

Inches at last measure (Thursday 27th November)

  • Bust 38.5″
  • Waist 35.5″
  • Hips 37.5″
  • L Thigh 21″
  • R Thigh 21″
  • L Arm 11.25″
  • R Arm 11.25″

Nice to be balanced for a change!  (My arms and legs are often half or even a whole inch different!)  I have lost a total of 17″ (I might have told you that last time).

Mind you I’m only partly balanced as I have also added in two new measurements – my calves – at the moment the left one is 16″ and the right one is 15″.  Weird, huh?  I hate my calves, they always seem so huge and dangly, out of proportion to the rest of me I sometimes think.  I can’t buy regular wellies (glad I noticed that auto-correct, I’ll leave it to your imagination as to what it changed to 😉 ) because they are too tight on my calves.  So I have to buy expanding ones or 3/4 height ones which is annoying.

I weighed myself on Thursday 11th December and I was 10 stone 7 pounds.  10 and a half stone!!!  That’s now 18lbs off since 19th May.  I can’t believe it and I was so pleased with myself.

Now, Christmas is coming (in case you hadn’t noticed).

I love Christmas.  I love Christmas food.  In particular the sweets and crisps and other snacks which are always in abundance at this time of year.  I have to find a way to indulge, but in moderation.  If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know that moderation hasn’t been a particularly strong point for me over the years so somehow I have to do it this year or I’ll undo all my good work.

I expect to put on a few pounds, but I really hope it’s only 3 or 4 at the most.  I really, really don’t want to pop over the 11 stone barrier again.

I have re-jigged my fast days so I’m not fasting on Christmas Eve or New Year’s Eve, but will try to still have two fast days in the week.  I have to keep my grip on my self-control so that food doesn’t wrest control from my grasp again.

One problem with being so busy is the lack of time to exercise.  I really need to get out and run as it’s been ages since I last ran and I can’t do Parkrun any more because of working on Saturdays.  The past two Thursdays have been taken up with training so I haven’t been able to go to my usual circuits class but I’m hoping to go this week.  Also I’ve been on mum’s taxi duties quite a bit so haven’t been able to get to Run Club either.  Next week for that hopefully!  And maybe a run or two?

Half the problem is I’m so tired when I get home that I can’t quite summon the energy but I do know that it will be worth it if I do.  It’s just convincing myself of that!  And sadly early mornings are no good as I’m up at 5:50 most mornings anyway; I’d have to get up before 5 to fit a run in then!

As I said earlier, I love Christmas.  As well as the food and snacks(!) I love the family time, giving presents to friends and family, seeing the children’s eyes light up when they see what we’ve got for them. I love planning what I’m going to get for people to make sure I’ve got them something special or meaningful for them.  I love hearing and singing along to the Christmas songs in the shops and on the radio.  I love decorating the house (see the top picture of our tree with Polly inspecting it) and seeing all the lovely lights on other people’s homes as we drive around.

For me, though, the most important thing about Christmas is the message which so often is forgotten in the busy lead-up to Christmas Day.  The message which, over time, has become buried under all the tinsel and Santa suits.  The Christian message which celebrates the birth of Jesus, God’s son.  Please feel free to ask me more in the comments, or have a look at http://www.alpha.org.

To close, I’d like to wish all my readers a very happy and laughter-filled Christmas, and a happy and healthy 2015.

See you all next year! 🙂


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I never thought I’d miss bread….

Hello again.

Okay so it’s been another couple of weeks since I posted but there’s lots been going on.  I won’t bore you with all of it or you’ll maybe never read one of my posts again!

The biggest news is that as of this morning, I now weigh 10st 9lbs!  So another pound loss although I did put one on last week.  I had a really horrid week because of a number of things (which ended with me sobbing in the staff room on one of the days).  So I did indulge a little.  But not as much as I would have done previously.

And then I climbed back onto the wagon and had a good week this week so I effectively lost 2lbs this week.  I’m pretty pleased with that!  It’s so hard now but I must remember to celebrate those little victories.  One of my biggest weaknesses is for sausages.  We had sausages for tea on Tuesday (a non-fast day) and yesterday (a fast day) the left overs were there.  I had one and then later on went back for another.  I had it in my hand, was walking through the kitchen with it, when I made myself go back and put it back on the plate.  A significant victory for me!

On Tuesday we went to Run Club and it was a timed mile session.  My previous PB over a mile on track was 10:04.  I wasn’t hopeful that I would get under that time as we haven’t done as much running as I’d like lately.  But I pushed it, especially on the last half a lap, and did it in 9:53!  11 seconds off so not a huge breakthrough, but encouraging none-the-less.

I’ve also re-started going to circuits thanks to my good friend who wanted to go.  The leader has changed and it’s a much more fun but also much more challenging workout than before.  Today’s was particularly challenging – the sweat was flowing and I’m definitely going to feel it tomorrow!  I still enjoy spin but I think I have to mix it up a bit more than I have been.  It’s hard to get to a mix of classes when I’m working (it’s been half term this week which has helped) but I must make more of an effort.  And at the same time hope that I don’t put on weight with muscle which is always a bit disheartening.

Anyway, back to my title and bread.  I have known for some years that I have a sensitivity to yeast, and bread especially.  About 6 years ago I stopped eating white bread because I always got a severe, stabbing pain in my sternum after eating even the smallest amount and stuck with seeded brown bread which seemed to be okay.  Other bread products seemed to be okay.  After a year or so I found I could eat tiger bread (a firm favourite) and other white bread again as long as I didn’t eat too much.

When I first started trying to lose weight in 2013, I found I only lost a very little and then it seemed to plateau for ages.  I was trying to calorie count and then discovered that the bread I was eating each day was about 110 calories per slice!  As I was aiming for 1200 calories a day, that was a huge number gone just like that.  So I decided to give up bread.  And the weight started coming off again.

But then after a few months, I saw bagels on special offer at Tesco and bought some.  Before I knew It, I was buying bagels most weeks and often having them for lunch.  I knew really that I shouldn’t be eating them, and my colleague said that she didn’t eat them because they make her feel bloated.  And what do you know?  The weight was creeping back on.

So when I started the 5:2 Fast Diet, I knew that I would have to give up bread.  Sandwich bread and even bagels I could cope without.  I thought maybe every now and then I would be able to have a little and it would be okay.  But no.  Perhaps I overdosed with the bagels and now I’ve really messed up my system.

The other Thursday we had a fry-up and I thought I would be okay having just one slice of fried bread, especially as it was brown. But almost immediately I felt painfully bloated.  My tummy was hard and tender.  This lasted all night and well into the next day.  During the afternoon I ate a doughnut and the bloatedness came back.  Then on Sunday I was feeling better until I took communion at church.  Such a small piece of bread and woah, the pain was horrible!

Since then I’ve realised I’m also going to miss things like: pizza, sesame prawn toast, treacle tart, and worst of all – hot cross buns!!!  One of my colleagues often has a toasted hot cross bun at work.  The smell really gets me drooling but I know I can’t have one.  Easter will be so hard!

Well that’s all from me for now.  Let’s hope there will be more good news the next time I post.  Take care everyone! 🙂


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Need to talk…

I am struggling this evening.  I’m really tired and the girls are being typical stroppy teenagers.  I want to sleep and I want to eat.  I have already eaten several stale cookies my eldest made with her boyfriend a couple of weekends ago (they were very tasty) and half a left-over Easter egg.

I thought I’d better start writing on here to distract me from eating the rest of the egg and anything else I can find in the kitchen.  Off the top of my head, that would be: salted cashews, a banana or two, a bag or two (or three) of the not-very-tasty Weight Watchers crisps, a yoghurt, a WW mini chocolate roll or two, and, and, and.  Some healthy, some not so – all unnecessary!

(As an aside, I was introduced to the WW mini chocolate rolls by a colleague of mine and she’s right – they are tastier than the “real thing”!)

I’ve got a whole host of jobs which need doing at home: we’re in the middle of re-landscaping our garden so there’re many tasks relating to that including weeding, digging, clearing ground, re-planting, planting seeds in seed trays, etc; I have a(n?) humungous box full of stuff which needs to be photographed and listed on eBay; I have about 6 boxes full of stuff which we were going to “car boot” but have decided for the £70 (if we’re lucky) we’d be likely to get it’s not worth the time and hassle so I need to get them into the car ready to deliver to a charity shop this week.  All the beds need to be changed.  The filing cabinet needs to be sorted and the old documents shredded.  You get the picture.

All I actually want to do is veg in front of the TV, or go to bed.  Or both – except we don’t have a TV in our room!

Then the guilt starts.  My lovely hubby says it’s good I have a rest as I deserve it.  I just think of the things I should be doing but can’t quite muster up the energy for and then I feel guilty.  Guilt makes me feel low.  Feeling low makes me want to eat.  Eating makes me feel guilty.  Guilt makes me feel lower and on it goes in an ever downward spiral.

The idea of writing this blog and doing the 5:2 Fast Diet is to help me to snap out of the spiral.  Can anyone else relate to this?  Or am I as odd as I suspect?  What do you do to help you snap out of it?  If you have managed to win in your battle against food (this is all assuming I’m not the only one), what was it that finally motivated you to keep going and beat it?