The Not-So-Secret Diary of an OverEater

My Battle to Have a Healthy Relationship with Food


2 Comments

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!

I’ve never bought skinny jeans before because – well – because I’m not.  My daughters have been saying for a while that the boot cut jeans which have been my go-to style of jeans for the past 10+ years are “so” out of date so I thought I should have a look at a more straight style.  I had some birthday money left over (thanks Mum and Dad!) and decided to go on a shopping spree.

Guess what?  I bought skinny jeans.  Not only that, I bought skinny jeans in a size 12.  You read that right – a SIZE TWELVE!!!

I can’t believe it!  Size 12 skinny jeans fit me and not only that, they don’t look all that bad either!

20141116_084228[1]In fact, the whole shopping expedition was quite a success:

20141116_083908[1]

I bought quite a few new tops for work and home, all in size 14s (previously I was a size 16 and sometimes only just that).  The top I’m wearing in the picture with the skinny jeans (skinny jeans, I’m wearing skinny jeans!!) is a size small.  A size small!!  Okay yes, it’s designed to be baggy so I guess I can’t completely say I’m a size small but still.

Now I’m done celebrating (I might come back to that later 😉 ) I want to share something with you.  If you’ve been reading my blog from the beginning, you’ll know I’ve struggled quite a bit to get to this place.  Not only that, it’s a struggle I’m just making ground on; I am not through it yet, by any stretch of the imagination, and I know I am hanging onto the control only by the smallest measure.  It could take me over again just like that.  I don’t say that lightly; I’m just being honest with you.

Anyway, I truly believe that for someone to lose weight, and keep it off, they have to be in the right place.  Back in the day when I did Rosemary Conley’s diet, the group leader said that any diet would work, whichever one you choose, but only if you have the motivation to make it work.  RC worked for me then (I went from the weight I am now, to 9st 4lbs so I know I can do it!) but as soon as I got pregnant, that was my excuse to eat again (I had to eat for two, didn’t I?).  Over the years I’ve started various diets, even lost some weight, but it’s never stayed off because I have never been in the right place mentally and emotionally before; I’ve never been able to see why I eat the way I do and I’ve never been able to admit the control it has over me or even begin to imagine that I could regain the control.

I don’t think you can nag someone into losing weight.  If you point out that someone could do with losing a few lbs, or question whether they really “ought” to eat that packet of crisps or bar of chocolate or whatever; if you mention they could do with starting to exercise, all you are doing is feeding the guilt and maybe pushing them to eat secretly.  In the same way that you can’t force a drug addict or an alcoholic into rehab and expect it to stick until they recognise they have a problem which they want to do something about, you can’t nag someone into losing weight.

I know you mean well; I know your heart is in the right place.  I know your heart is breaking because you are so worried about that person.  You can see what they are doing to themselves.  But you don’t know why.  And unless you’ve been there, you don’t know just. how. hard. it. is. to make it through the day.  They eat because, deep down, they are sad.  For me it was a deeply entrenched conviction that I was a failure.  And of course every time I decided to lose weight and failed it became more entrenched.  Every time I picked up and ate something I “shouldn’t”, I failed in my mind.

When well-meaning people close to me thought they were doing the loving thing to help me lose weight, I just became angry.  If you were one of those lovely people who wanted to help, and I lashed out at you, I am sorry.  I didn’t want to hurt you, but I was angry with myself at my lack of control and lack of – well, everything.  In the end, I didn’t even try because I was so afraid that I would just fail again.

It was a huge step of faith in myself, brought about through receiving CBT counselling, that I was able to start the 5:2 diet.  So far, it has paid off.  I can certainly recommend CBT.  I have a great life, a wonderful husband, two lovely teenage daughters, our extended family are in relatively good health, we have great friends, we have sufficient money coming in to live comfortably.  As well as appreciating all that (which I always have appreciated), now I can appreciate myself and my strengths, my victories, I can love myself in a way I never have before.  I’m not perfect, but I’m as good as I need to be.  For myself and the people around me.  I still make mistakes but that doesn’t mean I have failed, it doesn’t make me a failure.

Well that turned into a bit of a soul-baring exercise, didn’t it?  Sorry about that.

Can I just remind you, in case all that has put it out of your head, I AM WEARING SIZE TWELVE SKINNY JEANS!!! 😀

That’s all for now.  Until next time! 🙂

Advertisements